Drown In My Eyes

The Remains Of The Day

2005-11-01T23:45:00.001+08:00

"Time heals and makes things easier," Dad D would always tell me, I have yet to fully discover it. Clancy’s death anniversary is coming up in a couple of days and the whole month of October saw me reliving those days before he passed away.

There were days I felt like my heart would literally burst with all the pain. I often found myself walking the streets aimlessly when it rained, drenched to the core as if hoping my pain would get washed away with the rains that fell. Someone special used this line to express missing a person "But even time seems to be sleeping when rains fall like tears of longing," -- in my case time just sleeps and sleeps while the rain just falls and falls. Dear God, I am tired of having to be without Clancy.

This morning I awoke to my sobbing and having to catch my breath -- it's like being awakened by eloctrocution. And the remaining thoughts from my sleep were memories from that day Clancy went to see his palliative doctor on November 1. Today is November 1.

There are many things I want to forget and I have been living the past months trying to forget. But there are just some things I know I will never forget ... Neruda said it beautifully, "loving is so short and forgetting is so long."

I've been missing you so much Bidong, I don't know if anyone can imagine just how much. I love you darling and now you know with such certainty as I do that you are the greatest love of my life, my one true love. You always will be.

43 Things: I Have Done This --> Never, Ever, Ever Believe In The Word IMPOSSIBLE.

2005-09-25T03:32:00.001+08:00

Impossible is just a word.

Whenever I feel discouraged and find it hard to keep going, I open my journal to a page from April 2004. It was quite a sad day as Clancy and I were going through a very terrible quarrel. I was having coffee and looked up the facade of a building which had this huge ADIDAS banner draped over it. The copy on the banner caught not only my attention but struck a chord so strong inside me that I scribbled what was written on the banner in my journal so that I could always remember … so that I could always read those words again when I feel beaten, broken and defeated. It reads:

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.
~Richard Bullock~

43 Things: I Have Done This --> To Love And Be Loved In Return

2005-09-25T03:11:00.000+08:00

Moulin Rouge.

I remember the lines from Moulin Rouge that goes “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.”

I don’t know where to begin to describe how it feels to love and be loved back, how it changes you, how it makes you feel so alive each day. I can only count myself lucky that I loved truly and greatly once in my lifetime and was loved with the same fervor. If I may borrow the words of Delphine de Girardin:

To love the one who loves you
To admire the one who admires you
In a word, to be the idol of one’s idol
Is exceeding the limit of human joy
It is stealing fire from heaven

43 Things: I Have Done This --> Go Out On "Date Nights" With My Spouse On A Regular Basis

2005-07-17T09:53:00.000+08:00

Magic.

Out on a date in New Delhi Restaurant Boracay 1999

Often we let the overwhelming responsibilities of marriage, parenthood control us. We forget the small and big things that used to keep the passion going in our relationship. Dating regularly helps blow some of that magical pixie dust back. It reminds us and helps us to continuously fall in love with our spouses everyday.

Out on a date in Malaya Restaurant Sydney 2004

43 Things: I Want To Be Happy Again

2005-07-02T12:51:00.000+08:00

Forgetting is so long as Neruda would say.

It has been quite awhile since I have been completely happy. I want to go back to my old happy self. People in my life need for me to be happy. I need for me to be happy.

43 Things: I Want To Be Less Sad & Melancholic Since Clancy Passed Away

2005-07-02T12:30:00.000+08:00

Life Is Beautiful.

Life was once beautiful, it still is I think but I my sadness sometimes prevents me to see it that way. I know Clancy wouldn’t want me to be sad and I know he would want me to be happy. I have not been the same since he died and I miss the woman I was, the woman he fell in love with.

43 Things: I Have Done This --> Get A Job I Love

2005-07-02T12:14:00.000+08:00

Loving it.

When you love your job or what you do for a living you can only but excel in it. I am fortunate that I not only have a job I love but also people I love working with. And in times of personal crises it’s about the only thing that keeps me sane and gives me a semblance of normalcy (aside from my daughters of course).

Here are photos with people I love from my workplace.

Office friends: Josell, Celine and Manny.

Clients and Office Friends: Noel, Bongo, Josell, Gilbert, Eya, Peter, Ricki.

43 Things: I Want To Take More Photographs

2005-07-02T11:31:00.000+08:00

A Passage Through Time.

I have 2 digital cameras and 2 phones with built in cameras and while I have managed to chronicle my face day to day the last 3 months I have failed to take photos everyday of my two beautiful daughters. One day they will be all grown and I will forget where the time went.

Taking photos of them everyday will help me remember each and every single day they had if they were sad, happy, whatever was happening in their lives. When I am old and gray all I need is to look at these photos again and it will all come back to me.

43 Things: I Want To Learn To Live A Little

2005-07-02T11:24:00.000+08:00

Baby Steps.

I stopped living when Clancy passed away. I feel like a drone waking up each day and going through the motions. I want to be able to taste the wine I drink, look at beautiful flowers and smile, appreciate the smell of clean air.

I want my heart to feel alive again. I want to know the words hope, believe, love, happy once more. I want these back because I want to be able to teach my children about it. I cannot give them what I do not have. They will have to learn these things by watching me. I do not want my daughters to learn about being BROKEN from me.

43 Things: I Want To Allow THe Joy OF Memories To Replace The Pain Of Loss

2005-07-02T11:16:00.000+08:00

Missing Clancy.

I want to stop crying everytime I think about Clancy. I want to be able to be happy with the memories I have of him. I want to stop hurting from losing him.

43 Things: I Want To Wake Up Smiling

2005-07-02T10:58:00.000+08:00

I miss this feeling.

I used to wake up smiling always. If there was one thing Clancy loved about me it was my smile. He used to tell me that my face was not made for tears, only smiles.

It was a great feeling to wake up smiling because each new day meant another day of living my dream with Clancy and my daughters. Since he passed away he has taken that smile with him. I miss it.

43 Things: I want to read more Poetry

2005-07-02T05:11:00.000+08:00

Of Love and Neruda

I have been sad for a quite some time since Clancy passed away. I was told by my family therapist to write because it helps in the healing process. But it felt too painful to write and when I started reading Neruda again, it helped to read his words about longing, sadness, yearning. It’s as if he knew me and wrote all that I felt. For a moment I did not feel too alone.

Father's Day Twice Over

2005-06-19T19:42:00.000+08:00

My Life,

Happy Father's Day. I remember how we would always laugh whenever I greeted you each year on the day the world would celebrate it because Australia would celebrate it some different day. I also remember how I would say that you deserve to be greeted twice in a year because you are such a good man, such a good father.

I've told you many times before and I want to tell you again -- I couldn't have chosen a better man to be the father of our girls. Because of you I realized that parenthood isn't about DNA, it's about the love and care you willingly give a child, it's the responsibility you willingly accept for a child's life. Someday when Sabrina is older, she will understand it too. You are the only father she has ever known.

The girls miss you everyday just like I do. Sabrina was just telling me last night how she misses you picking her up from school and that now she has moved to a school closer to home that it would be so nice and easier for you to walk her everyday. She was so proud of you darling, she was so proud to show you off to everyone, she was so proud to call you Daddy.

Nicole misses the good cop too. She was telling me how she missed your convys, how you were always interested in her hobbies, in her music. She realizes that you were more a father to her than her biological father ever was and that she was sorry for resisting the idea of you in our lives years ago. I think she secretly regrets never calling you "dad."

I don't know what good I might have done in some previous life to deserve a man like you but I thank the universe for the gift of you. And I thank you for loving my girls as if they were your own. Thank you for wanting to give them a future. Thank you for making them part of your dreams.

Happy Father's Day Bidong. We love you. Know that your presence is greatly missed.

-L-

x x x x x

Here's a card we sent you one Father's Day ... with it were fervent wishes that the girls and I would be able to spend it with you in person someday. Now, that someday will never happen.

Paradise Found, Paradise Lost

2005-06-13T11:46:00.000+08:00

11 June 2004
Sydney, NSW

Beloved,

I patiently count the hours till I open my eyes and see your face next to mine first thing in the morning. Today is a month short of the day I first laid my eyes on you close to 5 years ago. 59 months seem like a long time to spend in a long distance affair. It is indeed crazy and yet here I am in Sydney typing this silly love note on your pc and there you are in bed in deep sleep waiting for me to lie beside you. It has been a long journey for me to finally get here.

My mind is running at an incredible velocity so let me apologize in advance for the incoherence of this letter.

I'm happy to be where I am today, in your arms; in a place you have made your home for more than half of your life. But what I am most happy about is that after all this time I find myself falling in love with you constantly every part of each day. I've told you many times before and I will tell you again, you and the girls are the best part of my everyday.

Where do I start to tell you about the things that keep me in this smitten state, the things that make me feel so good to be alive each day so I could love you?

Sometimes it's the way a cigarette sits between your lips, sometimes it's how you never forget to open the door for me, sometimes it's your hand reaching out for mine when we are walking, sometimes it's the way you embrace me with some pang of desperation, sometimes it's the way you look so deep in thought, sometimes it's the way you fight your sleepiness just so that you could be online to welcome me home, sometimes it's receiving an sms from you with just three words in it, sometimes it's how you always cup my face when kissing me, sometimes it's how you look at me with so much love in your eyes while we are making love, sometimes it's just as simple as you saying my name. I could go on and on, over a thousand things, over a thousand thoughts that keep me falling for you each day. It's all these little things which you probably are oblivious to but have no idea of the profound effect they have on my life

I picked up this bottle of happiness for you just to add to the thousand ways I remember you by. When I walk in Manila from now on and I smell this in the air, do know that I will be closing my eyes and thinking of the smell of your skin during winter in Sydney.

Happy Monthsarry Beloved, thank you for the wonderful past 730 days filled with laughter, quiet moments, tears and love. I love you always and no matter how the world turns and changes it ways, I will always be here for you. I will always be your best friend. And for as long as you will have me, I am yours completely ... heart, mind, body and soul.

-L-

x x x x x

Love of My Life,

How are you? What's it like where you are? Do you ever feel a little sad or lonely? Or are you shielded from all the sadness and longing? Does it ever rain where you are? If it does, then remember how envious I have always been with the rain that fell on you in Sydney as I am with the rain that falls on you where you are now because they kiss your skin in a way I cannot.

I wish I could say I have been great but I haven't and I've never lied to you so why start now. I know you're probably disheartened and feeling sad over the state of my heart. I'm sorry. It breaks my heart, too, having to disappoint you because I know you would've wanted me to be as happy as I could be. You always told me that my face wasn't made for crying and that I could light up a room with my smile. Of course, only you saw that and today I miss the way you loved my smile. I miss smiling for you, I miss smiling at you. I miss many things Clancy, but most of all I miss waking up so happy because each day was another day of living my dream with you and our girls.

As I was preparing to sleep last night, a letter I had written a year ago fell out of my old planner. I knew I shouldn't have opened it. I shouldn't have read it. I was very angry with myself for being careless, I thought I had put away all the things that would remind me of you so as just to avoid weeping incessantly. And yet, even that was a futile attempt. How I can run? How can I hide from you when you are all around me, in me, everywhere enveloping me.

Suffice to say I haven't had a wink of sleep. I just kept tossing and turning in bed, my head filled with thoughts of you. Oh darling, you have no idea how difficult the last 7 months have been. It's so tragically ironic that we used to count the months from the time we fell in love and today, I find myself counting the months since you passed away. And I know I will count many many more months and years till I'm with you again. A lifetime of missing of you. It just isn't fair. Please tell me it won't be like this everyday, it isn't right for me to be missing you this way and crying this way everyday. When will the pain of loss subside and the the joy of memories take root? I have become a very very sad person.

Hey listen, do you think if God knew I would be this broken, do you think he would still have taken you away from me so soon? I wonder. All the heartaches before you happened to me, was that not enough? I wonder when and where it stops. Am sure other people have had it harder and mangaed just fine. But I'm not them. I'm not strong despite the fact that I might've convinced others and myself that I am strong through and through. Even I am sorely disappointed with myself, with just how weak I have been. Any attempt to live, to move on has been fleeting and transient. I always feel empty in my quiet moments with you. What is living anyway? I don't think I know anymore. All I know is I need you, I need you to hold me.

I miss you everyday, you were my life. You still are.

Across whatever distance there is between where my tears fall and where you smile, I send you my thoughts and my love. Know that I am so in love with you, still.

Voices Carry

2005-05-08T22:56:00.000+08:00

I have been reading much Neruda lately because I find comfort in his words. He manages to put into words what I cannot.

x x x x x

So That You Will Hear Me
~Pablo Neruda~

So that you will hear me
my words
sometimes grow thin
as the tracks of the gulls on the beaches.

Necklace, drunken bell
for your hands smooth as grapes.

And I watch my words from a long way off.
They are more yours than mine.
They climb on my old suffering like ivy.

It climbs the same way on damp walls.
You are to blame for this cruel sport.
They are fleeing from my dark lair.
You fill everything, you fill everything.

Before you they peopled the solitude that you occupy,
and they are more used to my sadness than you are.

Now I want them to say what I want to say to you
to make you hear as I want you to hear me.

The wind of anguish still hauls on them as usual.
Sometimes hurricanes of dreams still knock them over.
You listen to other voices in my painful voice.

Lament of old mouths, blood of old supplications.
Love me, companion. Don't forsake me. Follow me.
Follow me, companion, on this wave of anguish.

But my words become stained with your love.
You occupy everything, you occupy everything.

I am making them into an endless necklace
for your white hands, smooth as grapes.

x x x x x

And I wonder today as I wondered yesterday as I will wonder tomorrow .... across whatever distance there is between where I stand and where he lays, can he hear me? Hear the words every teardrop speaks in it's soft liquid voice; Hear the loud cries the silent broken heart screeches. I wonder.

My friend Dicay tells me that it is the world that is melancholic, not me. Yet somehow I feel it isn't the world that is melancholic. I am. I wish the yearning for Clancy would diminish as the days go by but I find that I just grow more hungry. He has taken everything, everything with him.

Of Love and Neruda

2005-05-07T16:16:00.000+08:00

Love
~Pablo Neruda~

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the
perfumes of spring.

I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?

Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.

I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten
your eyes.

Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will do me irreparable harm.

Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.

I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every
window.

Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects.

x x x x x

*sigh* I am like that word ... melancholy.

Last Sunday morning I awoke thinking how I was beginning to forget, forget about him; how handsome he looked, his nose and lips which I so loved; his big hands that used to cup me; the smell of his skin. I couldn't remember the little details anymore, it's as if I had succeeded in erasing him from my mind. I wanted this because his memory brings so much pain. And yet I discovered that whilst I was forgetting, the depth nor vastness of the pain did not diminish.

Then I decided to open my lappie, read some Neruda online and I bump into this one. Uncanny isn't it? I found myself in a river of tears.

The Thief

2005-03-24T23:29:00.000+08:00

To love the one who loves you
To admire the one who admires you
In a word, to be the idol of one's idol
Is exceeding the limit of human joy
It is stealing fire from heaven
- Delphine de Girardin-

I married the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with, the daughters I have are the children I dreamed of having long before I became a mother, the job I have today I had always wanted and loved, and a family which was the envy of everyone. I had it all, I had it all. I had it all until Clancy passed away.

There are days when I am so proud of myself, how I've held up so well the last few days, weeks, months. And then, it's as if Clancy whispers into my ear, "I'm here," I would just snap and start tearing copiusly. How do you recover from the loss of a child or a lifetime partner? You don't. You never will. The pain does not change nor does the hurt that is etched deeper with each day into your heart. It is assimilated by your system and becomes part of you forever.

I loved the one who loved me, I admired the one who admired me. I was the idol of he whom I idolized. I exceeded the limit of human joy and stole fire from heaven. Yes, all that, once upon a time.

I miss you Clancy. And across whatever there is between where I stand and where you are, know that you have my love completely, still.

Missing Me

2005-01-27T14:25:00.000+08:00

What Kind of Soul Are You?

I took this online quiz ... yes, taking a break from crying.

Angel Clarence Monzon Dorotheo January 14, 1953 - November 3, 2004

2005-01-14T04:52:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday Bidong. I ache for you everyday. I'm so in love with you. What spell have you cast over me? I shall never know nor understand but i love the love we have -- even now, as we are apart.

x x x x x

Angel
~Sarah McLachlan~

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

x x x x x

I'm so tired of having to live without you Clancy. Be my angel again and just take me away from all of this.

On A Night Like This

2005-01-06T23:26:00.000+08:00

I am tired of living without Clancy.

I feel terrible for not having kept in touch with my in-laws in Sydney via email. I hope they don't think I have distanced myself from all of them --- I couldn't for the life of me even if I tried. Last I spoke with them on the phone was on Boxing Day (December 26) as they all gathered in Marissa's house (Clancy's younger sister), it was nice to hear my sisters-in-law. It felt like I was almost there spending the day with them. Quietly, a part of me came alive as such is the case whenever I am with one of Clancy's family.

I had opted to keep myself pretty scarce via email from my in-laws since I got back to Manila (save for the weekly phone chats with Dad D, my father-in-law) because I had nothing but sadness to write. We all had our own grief to deal with, I did not want to burden any of them further. And yet no matter how I try to escape it each day, I have run out of places to hide. It follows me everywhere, like a shadow in the day and like darkness in the night.

I think of Dad D and sometimes am ashamed to feel the way I do -- to have this great grief I carry with me everyday because of Clancy's death. He who has lost the love of his life not too long ago, he who now has to deal with the death of a son. I don't know how he did it with his wife passing away, how he still does it today; coping with such a great great loss. There can be no grief greater than his I think and I try to draw strength from his example of moving on and living life.

But what is life right now? I don't know what it is anymore. It has been a little over two months since Clancy passed away and I don't know how I have lived the past 63 days. Waking up, sleeping, waking up, sleeping. Everything is a blur. All at the same time, it feels just like yesterday that he was around and also like an eternity since I last heard his voice. I don't understand time anymore, I go through days not knowing what day it is, sometimes waking up not knowing my life. I want to forget, even just for a while but nothing I do consoles me or masks the pain. I wake up each morning to the sound of my heart breaking and go to sleep each night tracing the liquid foosteps of my tears. You must all think what a horrible mother, daughter and sister I am for being so sad and selfish this way, for making my family worry about me. I just cannot deny my sadness anymore, hell has broken loose in my life. I am tired of fighting it.

I must be such an embarassment to my children I think. I try to normalize our lives by doing the things we used to do together. It has been a tradition for us 3 girls to go shopping for ourselves on the morning of December 24 and cap it off with a lovely late lunch. Nothing more special than bonding and sharing "kikay" girlie things. This year however, for no reason at all, in the midst of enjoying a pizza at Shangri-La Mall, I suddenly burst into tears and cried for the next 20minutes or so. My tears have no manners whatsoever, they do not choose a place or time to run freely on my cheeks. And suddenly, in that moment of copius tears, I recall how we spent the morning of the 24th in 2003 --- pretty much the same way with Clancy ringing us as we were about to have lunch. Just checking how his favorite girls were doing and if we had cleaned out the inventory of the shops. Despite the distance, he was so much a part of our everyday. He was, and still is (along with my daughters), the best part of my everyday.

I think these uncontrollable outbursts of tears are perhaps manifestations of sadness repressed. We all try to tell ourselves, "it's ok" and pretend things are just the way they used to be but the truth is it isn't ok and things will never be the same. Just recently I had witnessed such an outburst from Sabrina. She has been my "hugger" and polyanna everytime I would cry --- always embracing me and cheering me up with happy thoughts of Clancy. However last Christmas day, just as she was putting on her slippers she suddenly burst into tears for no apparent reason. I asked her what was wrong and she just sobbed while saying, "I just miss daddy so much." Perhaps she was reminded how she would always place Clancy's slippers near his feet whenever he had to get out of bed. I don't know. Perhaps it was just that suppressed sadness that could not be caged anymore.

Two nights ago Sabrina dreamt of Clancy and woke up crying. This apparently is the second time she had the same dream (the first was when I was still in Sydney last November) according to my sister. In Sabrina's dream, we were all in Clancy's hospital room including Angela. And in her words, "daddy's eyes were slowly closing because they were very heavy, he was having a hard time keeping them open. We were all holding his hand. He told me that he loves me and Ate very much and then he closed his eyes. And then he didn't open his eyes anymore. Then he was dead." I tried to console her by telling her that perhaps that's the one thing her daddy wanted to tell her since he did not have that last chance to do so. That everytime she dreams of him it is like having him visit her and talking to her and spending time with her. I could not help myself and had to have a cry along with Sabrina. Dear God, what kind of a life is this?

Needless to say my entire family too is very affected by Clancy's absence. My father, who never quite embraced the thought of Clancy being my husband until this year, was all teary-eyed last Christmas eve. My mother who loves Clancy like her own son, could not help but weep. My brother and sister, who were so touched by the kind and generous "brother" Clancy became to them, shed many tears as well. And my two daughters --- most especially Nicole, who was against the whole idea of the 4 of us being a family in Sydney together, could not hide her sadness because Clancy was more a father to her than her biological father could ever be. And of course Sabrina, who never knew any other man to be her father than Clancy and even if she had a choice I know she would choose Clancy over and over again to be her father. How do we go on without Clancy in our lives? How could anyone also ever think that we all did not love him and we all did not mean anything to him just because he and I were only married for a month and he spent little time with us.

I often wonder when the pain of loss will subside and leave us so that the joy of memories filled with love can move in. The two seem to be intricately entwined. I want to forget and yet I am afraid if I do, then I will stop loving Clancy. I am restless without him. I am tired of living without him. I'm just rambling ... thinking out loud, and not making much sense.

I miss all of my in-laws to pieces and feel very restless being away from my Sydney family. I know I will never know that completeness of being home and whole again. Clancy has taken half my heart never to be returned and the other quarter of my heart remains in Sydney with all of them. I walk around in Manila with 3/4ths of a shell of a heart -- empty in all those quarters. And yet when I am in Sydney, it is my family in Manila that I miss so much and their absence makes me feel incomplete in the weird hollow way I am at the moment being away from all of them.

Sorry to be so depressing but that seems to be all I have at the moment. I want my in-laws to always remember I love all of them very much, each of them carry a "Clancy" inside them and he is alive in all of them. I have to thank God for that blessing. I also never got around to saying thank-you to them, for welcoming me into their lives. For making a space for me in their hearts and in their respective families. Everytime I remember how all of them received me, I am so overwhelmed to tears. It's not easy being the second wife/partner and most especially hurdling a good 25years of tight relationships with the first wife. And yet Clancy would always tell me, "Laura, I love you most and I love only you. You are second to no one." He always said he never had Dad D's silver-tongue and yet Clancy said the most eloquent, beautiful and heart-warming things when it mattered the most.

I know Clancy isn't altogether dead but I just miss him every second of the day. Like my friend Timmy said, "we are physical creatures by nature," and I am a victim of it as well. I have good moments each day too, remembering him -- his handsome face, his charming voice and most especially his beautiful person. For a moment, I am happy and feel warm all over. But that is all too quickly enveloped in a blanket of painful missing and then I begin to feel sad all over again. I so love my man, I'm so in love with him still.

In the heart of all this missing, I also miss Laura. I miss the Laura Clancy fell in love with. I miss the Laura who made him feel alive. I miss me. She is lost somewhere.

I am tired of living without Clancy, the love of my life, my greatest love.

Message In A Bottle

2004-12-31T00:57:00.000+08:00

I received an email from a friend on the 40th day after Clancy passed away (December 13) and it couldn't have arrived in my inbox at a more appropriate time. I never realized how much I shared Clancy with whomever touched my life that it felt like they knew him until this letter. Now I understand why, when Clancy fell sick with liver cancer and eventually succumbed to the poison, my friends and work associates were so affected.

Clancy lived through me, through each word I spoke of him, through each smile I gave. He was my life (along with my two daughters), he still is. I love him so. Thank you Timmy for reminding me. :)

x x x x x

Dear Laura,

I begin this with the knowledge that, at this moment, I cannot possibly hope to be victorious over sorrow. However, someone who showed me tremendous kindness, and who I care for is in pain so I have to try easing the burden somewhat.

You know, from the times we chatted and spoke on the phone, I know how important your husband was to you. The role he played in your life was unmistakably large, and your connection with him was deep - to the core of your hearts. I never got to know him, but I got to know of him because you celebrated your togetherness with such fervor. I smiled sometimes at the strength of your bond; in many ways, I admired the fact that you had built it into what it was despite the distance. And here I was, feeling spoiled - having my own partner minutes away everyday - and taking that for granted while others accepted much less but deserved much more.

I may never have met him, but I really felt him with you sometimes. You brought him there because you celebrated him. Your love for each other - it transcended space and time; and I felt it even through the chats we had online.

I don't think I can offer any words to take the pain away. I can't. I know. Thinking about it, I realize that the physical presence counts for so much because it's part of our nature as humans to be in the realm of the physical. However, one of the most beautiful things about our humanity is that we have a spiritual nature as well - and I believe that with conviction that this spirit is eternal and it is us - our consciousness and our memories - all the things that make us who we are right now. So in many ways, he still lives in you, Laura, because the deeper your connection, the more a part of each other you become - and he is with you and your daughters. More importantly, you will always be a part of him - right now, in the spiritual plane, the memory of you is strong, and will always remain that way.

Sometimes I feel that when we reach the spiritual plane, we're suddenly confronted with the reality of pure love, and cannot help but radiate that ourselves. Well, if I'm right, then he should be feeling pure love right now for you and your daughters.

I'm not sure if this letter helps. I know what I'm up against. I did want to let you know that I've had you and your daughters and your husband on my mind, and that I share your sorrow. And I know that right now, your sadness must weigh heavy on you; in time - if you let it - it will pass, and after the sorrow, you can allow the joy of loving him and him loving you to fill you and guide you as you continue on with your family. You're with him, and he's with you - that can never be taken away from you.

This may be an odd time to say this, but thank you, laura, for the friendship you offered me and for welcoming me into your life with open arms. I know we've never met face-to-face, but I too see you as a good friend - a good friend with whom I shared so much with. Thank you so much, Laura.

Let me know when you get back so we can meet up - finally. In the meantime, please take care and let your daughters know that sorrow eventually relinquishes control when you ask it to.

I will do whatever I can...

Yours in faith, care and hope,

Timmy

Always

2004-12-28T11:14:00.000+08:00

Though I try to disguise your name, I know our friends know this is for you Clark. I also know I sent this sms to you today and have posted it already in your blog but I am also putting this here so I may never forget, always --- this part of me I try so hard to erase right now if only to cope with the pain, but is etched ever so deep not even a hundred lifetimes could erode.

I meant to share with you a line from the movie "Always" which Richard Dreyfuss' chraracter mouths as his spirit talks to his girlfriend (Holly Hunter who is somewhat oblivious to his presence in this scene). He says something to the effect of, "The love we hold back is the greatest and perhaps only real pain that follows you in death."

While I am in so much pain now, I know it is because I miss Clancy and not because we both held back on each other. Am proud to say that I love the life we had, I love the love we shared -- we loved each other so well. Maybe in my case that is what makes it very painful, the fact that I had it so good and now I have to be severed from that goodness momentarily.

And for all my circuitous rambling, I want to tell you that you should go and love whom you love. Don't go through life wishing you had done something about it rather than nothing. The one we love is always worth our love even if people around us think otherwise. I hope that helps answer your question if you should drive all the way somewhere to drop off that gift. Have a good rest Clark, it's been a long 24 hours of wanting and waiting.

I love the love we have Clancy .....

A Lark Dies At The End Of The Day

2004-12-20T10:28:00.000+08:00

I lost the love of my life last November 3 (Sydney time)/November 2 (Manila time) . That's enough reason to be so filled with hatred. I feel so destructive. I want to drown myself in vice. I want to strip myself of all that is him so I can forget, even for a moment. Why did God take him so soon?

I wake every morning to the sound of my heart breaking. I go to sleep every night tracing the liquid footsteps of my tears. I don't want to feel. I want this to end. I am told it takes time. Time is something I did not have 47 days ago as I was rushing to be by his side, now suddenly I have all the time in the world to hurt. An eternity of walking around with half a heart, half a life.

I'm so tired God, why does it seem like life will not let me be until I am so broken beyond function.

I miss you Clancy. I'm so in love with you. I feel so lost right now, I don't know what to do for the next 40 years. I cannot wait for it to pass by quickly so I can be with you again.

And another tear falls upon this deaf world.