The Remains Of The Day

"Time heals and makes things easier," Dad D would always tell me, I have yet to fully discover it. Clancy’s death anniversary is coming up in a couple of days and the whole month of October saw me reliving those days before he passed away.

There were days I felt like my heart would literally burst with all the pain. I often found myself walking the streets aimlessly when it rained, drenched to the core as if hoping my pain would get washed away with the rains that fell. Someone special used this line to express missing a person "But even time seems to be sleeping when rains fall like tears of longing," -- in my case time just sleeps and sleeps while the rain just falls and falls. Dear God, I am tired of having to be without Clancy.

This morning I awoke to my sobbing and having to catch my breath -- it's like being awakened by eloctrocution. And the remaining thoughts from my sleep were memories from that day Clancy went to see his palliative doctor on November 1. Today is November 1.

There are many things I want to forget and I have been living the past months trying to forget. But there are just some things I know I will never forget ... Neruda said it beautifully, "loving is so short and forgetting is so long."

I've been missing you so much Bidong, I don't know if anyone can imagine just how much. I love you darling and now you know with such certainty as I do that you are the greatest love of my life, my one true love. You always will be.