On A Night Like This

I am tired of living without Clancy.

I feel terrible for not having kept in touch with my in-laws in Sydney via email. I hope they don't think I have distanced myself from all of them --- I couldn't for the life of me even if I tried. Last I spoke with them on the phone was on Boxing Day (December 26) as they all gathered in Marissa's house (Clancy's younger sister), it was nice to hear my sisters-in-law. It felt like I was almost there spending the day with them. Quietly, a part of me came alive as such is the case whenever I am with one of Clancy's family.

I had opted to keep myself pretty scarce via email from my in-laws since I got back to Manila (save for the weekly phone chats with Dad D, my father-in-law) because I had nothing but sadness to write. We all had our own grief to deal with, I did not want to burden any of them further. And yet no matter how I try to escape it each day, I have run out of places to hide. It follows me everywhere, like a shadow in the day and like darkness in the night.

I think of Dad D and sometimes am ashamed to feel the way I do -- to have this great grief I carry with me everyday because of Clancy's death. He who has lost the love of his life not too long ago, he who now has to deal with the death of a son. I don't know how he did it with his wife passing away, how he still does it today; coping with such a great great loss. There can be no grief greater than his I think and I try to draw strength from his example of moving on and living life.

But what is life right now? I don't know what it is anymore. It has been a little over two months since Clancy passed away and I don't know how I have lived the past 63 days. Waking up, sleeping, waking up, sleeping. Everything is a blur. All at the same time, it feels just like yesterday that he was around and also like an eternity since I last heard his voice. I don't understand time anymore, I go through days not knowing what day it is, sometimes waking up not knowing my life. I want to forget, even just for a while but nothing I do consoles me or masks the pain. I wake up each morning to the sound of my heart breaking and go to sleep each night tracing the liquid foosteps of my tears. You must all think what a horrible mother, daughter and sister I am for being so sad and selfish this way, for making my family worry about me. I just cannot deny my sadness anymore, hell has broken loose in my life. I am tired of fighting it.

I must be such an embarassment to my children I think. I try to normalize our lives by doing the things we used to do together. It has been a tradition for us 3 girls to go shopping for ourselves on the morning of December 24 and cap it off with a lovely late lunch. Nothing more special than bonding and sharing "kikay" girlie things. This year however, for no reason at all, in the midst of enjoying a pizza at Shangri-La Mall, I suddenly burst into tears and cried for the next 20minutes or so. My tears have no manners whatsoever, they do not choose a place or time to run freely on my cheeks. And suddenly, in that moment of copius tears, I recall how we spent the morning of the 24th in 2003 --- pretty much the same way with Clancy ringing us as we were about to have lunch. Just checking how his favorite girls were doing and if we had cleaned out the inventory of the shops. Despite the distance, he was so much a part of our everyday. He was, and still is (along with my daughters), the best part of my everyday.

I think these uncontrollable outbursts of tears are perhaps manifestations of sadness repressed. We all try to tell ourselves, "it's ok" and pretend things are just the way they used to be but the truth is it isn't ok and things will never be the same. Just recently I had witnessed such an outburst from Sabrina. She has been my "hugger" and polyanna everytime I would cry --- always embracing me and cheering me up with happy thoughts of Clancy. However last Christmas day, just as she was putting on her slippers she suddenly burst into tears for no apparent reason. I asked her what was wrong and she just sobbed while saying, "I just miss daddy so much." Perhaps she was reminded how she would always place Clancy's slippers near his feet whenever he had to get out of bed. I don't know. Perhaps it was just that suppressed sadness that could not be caged anymore.

Two nights ago Sabrina dreamt of Clancy and woke up crying. This apparently is the second time she had the same dream (the first was when I was still in Sydney last November) according to my sister. In Sabrina's dream, we were all in Clancy's hospital room including Angela. And in her words, "daddy's eyes were slowly closing because they were very heavy, he was having a hard time keeping them open. We were all holding his hand. He told me that he loves me and Ate very much and then he closed his eyes. And then he didn't open his eyes anymore. Then he was dead." I tried to console her by telling her that perhaps that's the one thing her daddy wanted to tell her since he did not have that last chance to do so. That everytime she dreams of him it is like having him visit her and talking to her and spending time with her. I could not help myself and had to have a cry along with Sabrina. Dear God, what kind of a life is this?

Needless to say my entire family too is very affected by Clancy's absence. My father, who never quite embraced the thought of Clancy being my husband until this year, was all teary-eyed last Christmas eve. My mother who loves Clancy like her own son, could not help but weep. My brother and sister, who were so touched by the kind and generous "brother" Clancy became to them, shed many tears as well. And my two daughters --- most especially Nicole, who was against the whole idea of the 4 of us being a family in Sydney together, could not hide her sadness because Clancy was more a father to her than her biological father could ever be. And of course Sabrina, who never knew any other man to be her father than Clancy and even if she had a choice I know she would choose Clancy over and over again to be her father. How do we go on without Clancy in our lives? How could anyone also ever think that we all did not love him and we all did not mean anything to him just because he and I were only married for a month and he spent little time with us.

I often wonder when the pain of loss will subside and leave us so that the joy of memories filled with love can move in. The two seem to be intricately entwined. I want to forget and yet I am afraid if I do, then I will stop loving Clancy. I am restless without him. I am tired of living without him. I'm just rambling ... thinking out loud, and not making much sense.

I miss all of my in-laws to pieces and feel very restless being away from my Sydney family. I know I will never know that completeness of being home and whole again. Clancy has taken half my heart never to be returned and the other quarter of my heart remains in Sydney with all of them. I walk around in Manila with 3/4ths of a shell of a heart -- empty in all those quarters. And yet when I am in Sydney, it is my family in Manila that I miss so much and their absence makes me feel incomplete in the weird hollow way I am at the moment being away from all of them.


Sorry to be so depressing but that seems to be all I have at the moment. I want my in-laws to always remember I love all of them very much, each of them carry a "Clancy" inside them and he is alive in all of them. I have to thank God for that blessing. I also never got around to saying thank-you to them, for welcoming me into their lives. For making a space for me in their hearts and in their respective families. Everytime I remember how all of them received me, I am so overwhelmed to tears. It's not easy being the second wife/partner and most especially hurdling a good 25years of tight relationships with the first wife. And yet Clancy would always tell me, "Laura, I love you most and I love only you. You are second to no one." He always said he never had Dad D's silver-tongue and yet Clancy said the most eloquent, beautiful and heart-warming things when it mattered the most.

I know Clancy isn't altogether dead but I just miss him every second of the day. Like my friend Timmy said, "we are physical creatures by nature," and I am a victim of it as well. I have good moments each day too, remembering him -- his handsome face, his charming voice and most especially his beautiful person. For a moment, I am happy and feel warm all over. But that is all too quickly enveloped in a blanket of painful missing and then I begin to feel sad all over again. I so love my man, I'm so in love with him still.

In the heart of all this missing, I also miss Laura. I miss the Laura Clancy fell in love with. I miss the Laura who made him feel alive. I miss me. She is lost somewhere.

I am tired of living without Clancy, the love of my life, my greatest love.