Message In A Bottle

I received an email from a friend on the 40th day after Clancy passed away (December 13) and it couldn't have arrived in my inbox at a more appropriate time. I never realized how much I shared Clancy with whomever touched my life that it felt like they knew him until this letter. Now I understand why, when Clancy fell sick with liver cancer and eventually succumbed to the poison, my friends and work associates were so affected.

Clancy lived through me, through each word I spoke of him, through each smile I gave. He was my life (along with my two daughters), he still is. I love him so. Thank you Timmy for reminding me. :)

x x x x x

Dear Laura,

I begin this with the knowledge that, at this moment, I cannot possibly hope to be victorious over sorrow. However, someone who showed me tremendous kindness, and who I care for is in pain so I have to try easing the burden somewhat.

You know, from the times we chatted and spoke on the phone, I know how important your husband was to you. The role he played in your life was unmistakably large, and your connection with him was deep - to the core of your hearts. I never got to know him, but I got to know of him because you celebrated your togetherness with such fervor. I smiled sometimes at the strength of your bond; in many ways, I admired the fact that you had built it into what it was despite the distance. And here I was, feeling spoiled - having my own partner minutes away everyday - and taking that for granted while others accepted much less but deserved much more.

I may never have met him, but I really felt him with you sometimes. You brought him there because you celebrated him. Your love for each other - it transcended space and time; and I felt it even through the chats we had online.

I don't think I can offer any words to take the pain away. I can't. I know. Thinking about it, I realize that the physical presence counts for so much because it's part of our nature as humans to be in the realm of the physical. However, one of the most beautiful things about our humanity is that we have a spiritual nature as well - and I believe that with conviction that this spirit is eternal and it is us - our consciousness and our memories - all the things that make us who we are right now. So in many ways, he still lives in you, Laura, because the deeper your connection, the more a part of each other you become - and he is with you and your daughters. More importantly, you will always be a part of him - right now, in the spiritual plane, the memory of you is strong, and will always remain that way.

Sometimes I feel that when we reach the spiritual plane, we're suddenly confronted with the reality of pure love, and cannot help but radiate that ourselves. Well, if I'm right, then he should be feeling pure love right now for you and your daughters.

I'm not sure if this letter helps. I know what I'm up against. I did want to let you know that I've had you and your daughters and your husband on my mind, and that I share your sorrow. And I know that right now, your sadness must weigh heavy on you; in time - if you let it - it will pass, and after the sorrow, you can allow the joy of loving him and him loving you to fill you and guide you as you continue on with your family. You're with him, and he's with you - that can never be taken away from you.

This may be an odd time to say this, but thank you, laura, for the friendship you offered me and for welcoming me into your life with open arms. I know we've never met face-to-face, but I too see you as a good friend - a good friend with whom I shared so much with. Thank you so much, Laura.

Let me know when you get back so we can meet up - finally. In the meantime, please take care and let your daughters know that sorrow eventually relinquishes control when you ask it to.

I will do whatever I can...

Yours in faith, care and hope,

Timmy

Always

Though I try to disguise your name, I know our friends know this is for you Clark. I also know I sent this sms to you today and have posted it already in your blog but I am also putting this here so I may never forget, always --- this part of me I try so hard to erase right now if only to cope with the pain, but is etched ever so deep not even a hundred lifetimes could erode.

I meant to share with you a line from the movie "Always" which Richard Dreyfuss' chraracter mouths as his spirit talks to his girlfriend (Holly Hunter who is somewhat oblivious to his presence in this scene). He says something to the effect of, "The love we hold back is the greatest and perhaps only real pain that follows you in death."

While I am in so much pain now, I know it is because I miss Clancy and not because we both held back on each other. Am proud to say that I love the life we had, I love the love we shared -- we loved each other so well. Maybe in my case that is what makes it very painful, the fact that I had it so good and now I have to be severed from that goodness momentarily.

And for all my circuitous rambling, I want to tell you that you should go and love whom you love. Don't go through life wishing you had done something about it rather than nothing. The one we love is always worth our love even if people around us think otherwise. I hope that helps answer your question if you should drive all the way somewhere to drop off that gift. Have a good rest Clark, it's been a long 24 hours of wanting and waiting.

I love the love we have Clancy .....

A Lark Dies At The End Of The Day

I lost the love of my life last November 3 (Sydney time)/November 2 (Manila time) . That's enough reason to be so filled with hatred. I feel so destructive. I want to drown myself in vice. I want to strip myself of all that is him so I can forget, even for a moment. Why did God take him so soon?

I wake every morning to the sound of my heart breaking. I go to sleep every night tracing the liquid footsteps of my tears. I don't want to feel. I want this to end. I am told it takes time. Time is something I did not have 47 days ago as I was rushing to be by his side, now suddenly I have all the time in the world to hurt. An eternity of walking around with half a heart, half a life.

I'm so tired God, why does it seem like life will not let me be until I am so broken beyond function.

I miss you Clancy. I'm so in love with you. I feel so lost right now, I don't know what to do for the next 40 years. I cannot wait for it to pass by quickly so I can be with you again.

And another tear falls upon this deaf world.